4.3 - Around the World (Purpose Cont.)
"I'm doing good I'm on some new shit, Been saying 'yes' instead of 'no'." - Taylor Swift (the 1)
And we’re back after a one week break! Before we jump in, I wanted to add a quick side note that I’ve come to greatly admire folks who write for an audience (of any size). I’ve only been sharing my thoughts on this platform for a few weeks, and each post forces me to practice discipline (brainstorm, first draft, edit edit edit), foster creativity (what metaphors can I use to give you a clear picture of what’s inside my head?), and intentionally evaluate my thoughts and emotions. I’m getting to work out mental muscles I don’t often use, and while it’s challenging, I’ve had fun writing and have enjoyed every minute so far! Anyway, let’s finish out this series on the plan and purpose for my ATW trip.
Purpose #2
In the last post, I said I’ll be working to rebuild my identity. That sounds like a great idea, right - one of those noble (but ambiguous) phrases you can caption on an inspirational Instagram video of the sun casting its golden hour rays on a mountain range. I’m more interested in the tangible steps I can take to make progress on this goal. Talk is cheap, and with how…messy the topic of identity can get, I’ve found it difficult to come up with a meaningful action plan. I mean, how often do we think about our identity, how it’s changed over the years, and how we might mold it into something else? That’s just not an exercise I go through frequently.
My mind started wandering and took me to when I moved back to California (catch up here if you’d like more context). At the time, I told my friends/roommates that I wanted them to force me out of my comfort zone as much as possible. Sometimes, this was as simple as asking me to go on a walk when I was feeling down or encouraging me to go to a party where there’d be new people (scary for an introvert like me!). Really, I was asking them to help me establish a new life by making new memories.
That trip down memory lane led me to think that our identity is the simply sum of everything we glean from our experiences, ranging from the simple (favorite foods, music tastes, pet peeves) to the complex (personality, prejudices, hopes and dreams, fears). I’m sure some philosopher has phrased that concept in more elegant terms. So, if I’m on this quest to reconstruct pieces of my identity, I’ll need to have more experiences, right? Hopefully that tracks. That was a convoluted way to bring us to my second purpose/goal:
I want to be an open and free person - someone whose default is “yes” instead of “no” to meeting and befriending people, taking in novel experiences, and breaking out of the bubble of what’s familiar.
I’m hoping my travels will provide several at-bats to practice these skills - from leading me down unmarked roads, to bringing me to the local noodle shop that’s not listed on Google, to learning the stories of locals and fellow travelers I meet.
Purpose #3
With most challenges/traumas that you might go through in life, I’d wager there’ll probably be lessons you learn along the way or realizations that you’ll have that no one could have possibly prepared you for. Divorce is no exception (I’ll actually be writing a series about this very topic in the coming weeks). One of the obvious parts about divorce is that one or both sides loses trust in the other for any number of reasons. What no one told me was that I’d lose trust in myself. I began doubting:
My purpose in my job - A mini-goal of mine will be to figure out what demographic I want to serve in my career going forward and ideally, how to serve them.
My overall confidence - Not that my self-esteem was at an all-time high to begin with, but rejection by someone you love doesn’t help.
My ability to trust and love - This is the big one. This was my second major failed relationship (once upon a time, I was engaged to someone else). IF there is a third failure, I fear that a major part of my soul and heart will just…wither away.
My therapist challenged me a few weeks ago: “let yourself fall in love”. Easier said than done - divorce can make you jaded and pessimistic towards relationships. Though if you’ll let me pat myself on the back for a brief moment, I think I’m inching just a bit closer to the point where I can love and, more importantly, love in a healthy way. I feel like on most days, I’m living life and loving life again. I can’t quite call parts of the last couple of years truly living. For me, loving life is almost a prerequisite to loving another woman again. My stance is that being happy with your own position in life can only have a positive impact on relationships. So, we now arrive at the third purpose/goal of my journey. Wish me luck on this - from a difficulty standpoint, this may be the hardest one of the three since it’s kind of binary. I either will get to this point, or I will not.
I want to again become someone who can love fully, with 100% of my heart, and without fear. I want to be someone who trusts fully and is fully trusted.
As I read that statement aloud, I see some irony in the section about loving without fear - the Scripture reading at my wedding was from 1 John 4:18, a verse that resonates even deeper to me now.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Ok, we made it to the end! Here’s an abbreviated summary of my mission statement. I’d be grateful if you’d check in with me from time to time to ask if I’m intentionally striving towards these goals.
To reclaim and rebuild my home and identity
To be free and open - someone whose default is yes
To love and trust fully, without fear