2 - Marriage, Divorce, and Christianity
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders." - Hillsong United
Reader, before we continue, I think it’s important you understand how Christianity has shaped my identity/how I view marriage and divorce. So yes, you’re going to see some Bible verses soon and the words “God” and “Jesus”. But no, this is not an attempt to convince you of the claims of Christianity. So don’t freak out, ok!? You may strongly disagree with the ideas presented in this post, and that’s fine by me. I just want to give you a bit more insight into my belief system.
Quick note: When I reference a Bible verse, the format will be “Book Name Chapter#: Verse#”. For example, Genesis 1:1 refers to the Book of Genesis, Chapter 1, Verse 1. Just in case you wanted to look up some of these verses.
I grew up going to a Catholic church, but I didn’t truly believe in God until my freshman year in college when I literally heard His voice, talking to me. It was beyond humbling, jaw-dropping, and incredibly emotional. The full story of that experience is for another day (lmk if you’re interested, happy to share). I bring it up because becoming a Christian/follower of Jesus is the single most significant event that has happened to me.
As a Christian, I believe the Bible is God’s Word in written form, and one of its purposes is to serve as a guide, a North Star, on how to live. The Bible has a lot to say about marriage and divorce - here are a few things I’ve gathered:
Marriage represents the relationship between Jesus and the church - it is a permanent bond and joins two individuals together on a physical and spiritual level.
Ephesians 5:31-32 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
Matthew 19:6 “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate”.
From my conversations with pastors and reading position papers, there are two general views on divorce amongst Christians. Both of these have been difficult for me to grapple with.
What I call the flexible view: Divorce (and subsequent remarriage) are allowed if there was sexual immorality (most people will define this as adultery) or abandonment involved.
See Matthew 19:8-9, 1 Corinthians 7:10-16
What I call the hardline view: Divorce isn’t Biblically supported. Though Moses gave a concession to allow divorce in Israelite society, God did not create the act of divorce or support it. If you are divorced, remarriage is never allowed as long as your former spouse is alive because the marriage bond lasts forever (until death do us part), even if human law says otherwise, no matter what the reason(s) for the divorce may have been.
Look, I know how ridiculous this view may sound, especially to my more liberal/progressive friends. However, consider what this means in terms of the required level of commitment and unconditional love. Honoring the marriage vows you made even if the other party has broken them. There’s a certain hue of beautiful insanity to that image, no?
After J and I got married, some folks asked me if marriage felt any different from dating. To me, it absolutely did. When we shared vows, I really did feel something intangible, something deeply powerful, change inside me (two becoming one flesh). I truly believed the bond we formed that day would last until we died. For the record, I don’t think you have to be religious to feel the same way about marriage. I knowingly and happily centered a significant piece of my identity around being a husband.
When J divorced me, that identity was pretty much shattered. It’s a pretty surreal experience to suddenly lose, almost completely, every sense of what you are while trying to cling to what you were. It’s like you’re walking down a straight, narrow path with an exact destination in mind (for me, that meant having kids and building a life with a trusted partner). Then, someone picks you up and drops you in a maze. Part of you still hopes to reach your destination, even though you know the end of the maze probably doesn’t lead there. I think that’s where faith comes in - to help me trust and rely on a guide, the Spirit, to lead me out of this maze and on my next path forward, even if it leads to a completely different end point.
You may be able to see now the paradox of being Christian, married, and having an unwanted divorced forced on you. I haven’t solved that paradox and I don’t think I ever will. It may be easier to accept that suffering is a guaranteed part of the human experience and the Christian experience (see James 1, Romans 5, Matthew 5, the list could go on).
